How to do Conversational Evangelism

The world, which we live in, is a fallen world that is deeply influenced by evil and the sinful nature of men. As God’s children, the Bible says that we will have sufferings on earth (1 Pet 4:12,13), but we have our God to depend on and the body of Christ to encourage us, whereas for our non-Christian friends and colleagues out there, they simply do not have a personal God, or even sometimes, a dependable friend to turn to.

Many of these people are confused about their experience in life because they do not know how to think about them. Their questions are left unresolved in their heart and mind because they have never been asked or discussed with another person who shows openness, interest, or compassion towards them, someone who is willing to listen and respond to them without being judgmental. Many times, what our non-Christian friends need the most is not someone who can drop quick solutions to their problems. Rather, what they really need is the care and love from someone who genuinely seeks to understand their situations and help them process their emotions and thoughts through good exploratory questions and reflective listening skills. If you can seize such opportunity, it may lead to them opening their heart to you, and this can eventually help to open their heart to the Lord.

What are Exploratory Questions?
These are the kinds of questions that serve the purpose of drawing out the other person and helping to open further conversation opportunities. They are about finding out what is important to your friend so that you can draw on this knowledge about your friend in the future conversations, especially when you progress to the spiritual topic. For this reason, keeping a notebook of what you learn about your friend may be something helpful.

Asking exploratory questions helps prevent us from asking surface questions, talking without asking questions, or just talking about ourselves all the time. The kinds of questions we ask should be open-ended questions, like “who”, “when”, “where”, “how” and “what”. But, if you want a deeper answer rather than a one- or two-word answer from your friend, it is good to use “How” and “What”. For examples, “How do you feel about…?”, “Could you tell me what do you mean by…?”, “What are you going to do about it?”

What are Reflective Listening Skills?
A meaningful conversation not only starts with good exploratory questions to find out about a person’s situation, but it also includes compassionate reflective listening. Reflective listening is making our own statements of what our friend has said, in order to reflect back the thoughts, feelings, and situation of our friend in a way that he could have expressed for himself, but did not. Reflective listening is non-judgmental and gives no advice, but simply reflects the thoughts, feelings, and situation back in our own words but with empathy. People love to hear you put these into words in a way that shows that you understand or are trying to understand. This practice shows your intense interest and that you are really listening. It helps draw out the deeper thoughts and feelings of the other person.

Sometimes, besides listening to the content of our friend’s verbal statement, it is useful to also observe her feelings and what she is going through. To help you observe and understand your friend’s feeling, you could even ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were placed in the same situation?” and “How would most people feel in that situation?”

These are some examples of the initial phrases of your reflecting statement:

“I noticed you are having difficulty in coming to work on time.”

“You sound like you feel disturbed by the customer’s attitude.”

“You look like you feel concerned about the project which you are handling now.”

“It sounds like you have quite a bit of disagreement with your supervisor.”

“As I listen to you, I sense that you might be feeling a sense of violation when your partner made decision without consulting you.”

Now, let us put the exploratory questions and reflective listening skills into our evangelistic conversation. There are 3 levels of conversations that are generally needed for leading to evangelism: Surface, Heart, and Spiritual.

Level 1: Surface Level Conversations – the place to start
Here we talk about things external to the person, e.g. current events, sports, TV programs, newspaper article, recreation. Personal interests can be included here such as family members, friends, activities, interests, education, or working experience. If you can find a common area of interest, that would be the best. In any case, try to find a general category of subjects for successive conversations. Show your concern for anything of a serious nature such as family, health, and finances. And be prepared to move to the heart level.

Level 2: Heart Level Conversations – where a person lives and feels
In this level, we talk about things internal to the person, things closer to home, to where she feels, or to what he needs. The heart is where you find your friend’s joy and pain, reasons for his belief, values that govern her choices and decisions, life meaning and purpose, agony and anger, confusions and fear. This would eventually open a conversation about spiritual things because spiritual things have to do with the needs of the heart. Touching the heart is the beginning for opening the heart, first to you, then to God.

This is where you can use your exploratory questions and reflective listening skills generously. Stay focused on the person, talk to him about him. Pay attention to subjects in the conversation that produce strong feelings, convictions, deep interest and concern in your friend. You do not have to know much about a subject to ask good exploratory questions and to listen reflectively. You can also explore further about his or her younger years, past experiences, relationships, successes and failures. You can share similar feelings and experiences of your own that will help draw out his or her feelings and concerns, but do not shift the focus onto yourself, and do not give advice to and lecture him or her.

Show your intense interest by sitting down with him, giving him your full attention, and shutting out all surrounding distractions. Be truly present with the person, and be willing to spend an extended amount of time with your friend if he shows a need or concern. Avoid interrupting your friend or completing a sentence for him, especially when he is struggling with a thought. Accept what you learn about your friend as a fact of life even though it might conflict with what you consider normal or reasonable. He may be very different from you and view life differently, but accept him without shock or condemnation. Your role is not to fully agree with what he says (in fact, it is fine to disagree with him), but to show that you understand him.

This is an example of Level 2 or Heart Level Conversations:

(Annie meets Sam, her non-Christian colleague, during the office lunch break)

Annie: Hey Sam, you look very tired today, you almost dozed off during the staff meeting. What happen to you?

Sam: I had quite a bad argument with my father last night. He is always so unreasonable! When I thought about those words he said to me, I couldn’t fall asleep.

Annie: Hmm, it sounds like you didn’t sleep well last night because of the conflict you had with your dad. And you seem to be quite disturbed by your relationship with your dad at this point. Would you mind telling me what has happened?

(Sam agrees to talk, and they sit down together)

Sam: My dad was very proud of my younger brother who gives him twice the amount of money I could give him every month. I don’t mind he feels good about my brother’s achievement. But he shouldn’t say those hurtful words to me.

Annie: What did your father say to you then?

Sam: He said that I am the shame of the family. I didn’t get into ACSI despite my mom’s hours and hours of volunteer work to get me into ACS primary school. My dad felt so embarrassed to tell our relatives which junior college I went to. And he had to spend lots of money for my education in NUS, while my brother could get a full scholarship to study in UK! In my parents’ eyes, he is always the glory of my family.

Annie: It seems like there is a constant comparison between your brother’s academic performance and yours from your parents. And even now, the comparison has been switched over to both of your achievements at work. Sam, I wonder how does that make you feel?

Sam: It is very hurtful to me not to receive any approval or praises from my dad for so many years in my life. I am disappointed with myself that I can never please my parents. I really miss my primary school days when my dad used to display all my drawings up on his bedroom wall to tell me how proud he was of me.

Annie: You must be longing deeply for your parents’ affirmation, especially your dad’s presence in your life, and his love for you.

Sam: Ya, I guess so…

Note: In the entire conversation, Annie did not comment anything about Sam’s parents or brother, but fully concentrate on Sam’s feeling and experience. Annie did so because her main concern is not about Sam’s parents or brother, but Sam. Talking about others would only distract her attention on Sam, and thus, the quality of her reflective listening.

Level 3: Spiritual Level Conversations – about meaning if life
In this level, we focus on the beliefs of a person. The purpose of level 1 and 2 conversations is to form an honest, open friendship that may lead into this level of spiritual conversation that is evangelistic.

Some examples of exploratory questions in this Spiritual level are:

“Ellen, I have a question for you. Do you have a view of whether there is a God who created the universe?” – “What do you think about God?”

“Eric, you are a Roman Catholic right? Would you tell me something about your religion or practices?” – “Would you tell me what your view of God is?”

“Amy, how long have you been a Mormon?” – “What led you to become a Mormon?”

Some examples of reflective listening statements in this level are:

“It sounds like you believe that you can know God through your feelings.”

“It seems that you believe that the Koran is also from God.”

“You seem to tell me that you can get along fine in life by yourself without considering God.”

“I hear you say that Christianity is just a crutch, and you don’t want to have anything to do with it.”

“You are saying that, even if there is a living God who has the power of life and death over you, you don’t want to have a thing to do with Him.”

This is an example of Level 3 or Spiritual Level Conversations:

Annie: Sam, I noticed that you have been quite active in the Buddhist Youth Mission group, you even attend their regular weekly classes. Tell me what you normally do every week when you attend the classes.

Sam: Oh, we have good food almost every week; we socialize with one another; and we have seminar or talks conducted by the monks.

Annie: Would you describe for me what you basically believe?

Sam: We believe that life is basically suffering or dissatisfaction. The cost and cause of suffering lie in the craving. The cure for suffering is to eliminate craving. We need to follow the Eight-Fold Path to eliminate craving.

Annie: Oh I see. How does this help you in life?

Sam: It teaches me to do compassion unto others, practice self-discipline, and live a moral life. We also do a lot of meditation. I want to be a good person. I want to live a good life after death.

Annie: Well, I am glad that your desire is to become a morally good person who wants to do kindness to other people. But Sam, I wonder have you ever felt what I used to feel before, that is, my human strength to do good is limited no matter how much I want to do good and how much I try. Like I want to love the person who betrayed me, but the moment I see his face, hatred just fills my heart. Have you ever encountered any situation whereby it is beyond your human ability to perform good deeds?

Sam: Oh yes, I remember that I sat for a very difficult geography test in my sec 3 year. Since almost 90% of the class was cheating in that test, I couldn’t help but to do the same. However, that was the one and only test that I cheated in my entire life, I was perfectly honest in all other tests and major examinations.

Annie: You are saying that it is difficult for you not to cheat although it is a wrong action, because the whole class was doing it. And I also remember the difficulty you face in your relationship with your father. It is so hard for you not to react to him whenever he says those hurtful words to you. This is what I mean, no matter how hard we try, we still make mistakes. But Sam, have you ever considered that there is a higher Being out there who alone can live a perfect moral life and can also solve the problem of human’s craving and immorality?

Sam: I agree with you that human is limited in doing good. But I don’t agree that we should depend on any higher Being as it should be our own effort in accumulating our good deeds, so that we are qualified to arrive at Nirvana one day. If anyone fails to do so, it is right that he or she should be punished. That’s why I don’t believe in your Christian God who says that man can receive salvation only through Him.

Annie: So you believe that it is only meaningful if man can achieve his own salvation without the intervention of God, and those who never observe the 8-fold path deserve punishment.

Sam: Something like that!

Annie: Sam, how sure are you that if you were to leave the world today, that you have already accumulated enough good deeds to guarantee a better life for yourself when you were reborn again to this world?

Adapted from:
Don Ashcraft, Tongue-tied No More: A Complete Guide to Conversational Evangelism (Fullerton, CA: Evangelism House Publisher, 2003), 13-23.

Leslie E. Borck and Stephen B. Fawcett, Learning Counseling and Problem-Solving Skills (New York, NY: The Haworth Press, 1982), 22, 32, 40.

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